The last few days have been pure hell.

My brother still can't walk.

Today though he had progress: he could sit in a wheelchair and be wheeled downstairs. Baby steps i guess. Yesterday he couldn't really sit at all. In the back of mind though I wanted to scream 'don't get used to the wheelchair'.

The surgeon broke his holiday short yesterday to see him and told him that he simply doesn't know if the damage is permanent or even what is wrong. Another specialist has suggested that perhaps the discogram has caused swelling in an area which has hit a nerve.

My brothers mood seemed better tonight. Although i'm not sure if it simply just all the heavy duty painkillers they are giving him, his fav is sodium penthanol at the moment.

Strangely I feel like I am walking around with the disease at the moment since some of the closest people to me have avoided me this weekend. Perhaps its not knowing what to say, or just feeling akward calling me for fear of hearing such horrible news. Or just too busy to make the time or effort. Whatever the reason its sad to think that when I need my friends the most they aren't there. Having said that Mr T and two close friends(J & N) have been amazing. My life currently consists of hospital, hospital and more hospital. Yet they are there when i can manage to call them back or message me even if it is late and to hear me babble on and on and even cry a little. Just hearing about something else is also great. I'm not sure what I would do without it.

This week will be hard though going back to work pretending to be ok. Being civil, yet not my normal self and hoping that people don't notice. I'm not ready to talk to strangers or mere acquaintences about it. Besides i think i will probably start crying, and once I start i know it will be hard to stop.