Hi everyone, remember me? I'm not back but in need of a bitch about my thesis, so feel free to skip over this post and warning that it's long and pretty negative.
I really really really hate working on a thesis. I am very close to finishing it and have to present soon which probably makes me hate it even more, so will be interesting to compare notes about how I feel once I have finished.
I find doing a thesis to be pretty alienating, probably because no-one else I know is doing a thesis, well apart from those lucky ones who have scholarships and get to do them during regular work hours and get paid to do it. I love socialising and really hate missing out, lately it feels like everyone else is having fun except me, which I'm sure isn't entirely true but it certainly feels like it.
Also, I could slap the next person who makes a comment about how long it has taken me. Yes it has taken me a while, but I am studying part time and for the most part have been working full time-ish hours and I work in a pretty draining job so the last thing I want to do when I come home is any sort of work. Also, I had one topic that fell apart (not my fault). Anyway give me a break, ok! And no more questions about when I am going to finish, I'll finish when I finish, I don't know. I have been working all year on aiming to get it done before I got away, but that's not going to happen.
One of my biggest hates about the thesis thought is guilt, when I do socialise, or go to a potluck or just have a day when I am not productive I get pretty pissed off at myself, I think it is made even worse by people who feel that they are helping by checking up on me with questions like 'did you work on your thesis?', 'how much did you get done today'. I have enough guilt myself, I don't need you giving me more!
I think some people are born academics and love writing, but I really don't as you can probably tell for my disregard for grammar on this blog. It's not really my thing. I don't think I have disliked myself more than when doing a stupid thesis, there are certain conversations that I have with myself where I occasionally feel like I can't do it, like i'm not smart enough, that i'm lazy, that anyone could do it but me. It's not all the time but occasionally often when I hit a wall and am feeling stuck on one part. There does appear to be a bit of a cycle too where I feel so guilty and then hate myself a little more and then actually be less productive.
There is such a major part of me that has wanted to just give up for quite a while, but I am now so close to finishing it, I'm sure if I did give up I would regret it forever. I also I would feel like I am letting the participants of the study down, which I don't think I could manage.
I hate the stress and avoidance around supervision, almost every time I have a appointment with my supervisor I think to myself, she is going to tell me off, she is going to say that what I have done is stupid, and I need to justify why I haven't done more etc. Which is kind of crazy because my supervisor has been pretty awesome and I know I wouldn't have been able to get this far without her.
I really really want to be planning our holidays destinations right now but don't have the time which I hate. I feel like I might have a crappy holiday because I am not planned anything and will have a thesis hanging over my head the whole time. So if you do have any sort of tips for must eats/visits in Hong Kong, London, or Berlin please let me know.
I could go on further but won't.
Thanks for the big whinge, it feel a tiny bit better to get that off my chest! And yes I know there are bigger much worse problems in the world.
Apricot, nectarine and vanilla jam
17 hours ago