Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Satan lurrrrrrrrrving

Ok i stole this from someone else, but just had to pass it along because its makes me laugh so much.

Below is part of a newsletter that St. Mary's church in Colorado Springs sent out recently:

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is verydangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

I didn't realise that Buddhism was a dangerous cult religion.

I have more than five!


tekanji said...

I guess the Christians have found out about my inner goth. Darn!

I think this was my favourite:
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.

OH NOES, teh eval Count Dracula cerael will corrupt teh childran!!!!

Is there even a "Count Dracula" cereal? I thought it was Count Chocula.

I also like the bit about the kid masturbating. Well, I suppose that means that 90% of all children, especially teenagers, are closet goths. Who knew?

And, come on, Buddism? So evil. There's the whole part about worshiping devils. Oh, wait, that's not right. Well, there's that part about hating Jesus. Oh, that's not right either.

Well, I mean, come on, kristy, the religion was made up by those [insert offensive term for Asians]! It doesn't even worship the One True God! Clearly it's evil. My pastor tells me so.

I think my brain just overloaded from the massive amount of sarcasm I was channeling. ^^;

kristy said...

It hard not to be sarcastic with a list like that.

I've never heard of count dracula cereal (guess we don't have it in aus).

The other thing I just realised is philosphy- of course its a cult :-)